Waffle House Announces
New Wine List

 

by Harold Chambliss  sketch by Mma Knapp

 

In an unexpected move Waffle House has announced it will offer fine wines at all locations in Alabama starting in December. If the introduction is successful, the company will take the program national within a year. In addition to traditional grape-based wines WH, supporting Alabama agriculture, is introducing okra, Vidalia onion, peanut, and peach wines, the latter being paired specifically with peach waffles (not available in all locations or franchises). Tests have shown that if the customer prefers coffee or milk with his waffles the peach wine can be poured directly on the waffle as a substitute for syrup. Some customers may prefer to dip their waffles in their glasses of peach wine, thus saving time on the way to the dove field, the golf course, the Tombigbee River, Butler County’s Avenger Speedway, or the Beaux Arts Krewe Ball. WH has contracted with
the Pitts winery in North Alabama as its supplier for a period of three years. The label will be Pitts Peach.

Vidalia Onion Wine
The Vidalia onion wine is, of course, a splendid white with the taste experience of sandy soil and an expressive sweetness that makes the VO label an outstanding dessert wine, quite playful yet delicate to the palate. While Wine Arrogance magazine has referred to the VO (not to be confused with VSOP cognac) as having overtones of ginger and honeysuckle and undertones of pre-fall persimmon, a well-respected international wine critic and businessman, Edgar Welden (Pride of Elmore County) states that all he gets out of the taste is the famous sweet onion flavor (which can be enhanced by a teaspoon of Heinz 57 or one-half a beef bouillon cube, introducing a vibrancy matched only by Waffle House chili). Beyond availability at Waffle House we see the VO as quite versatile, graduating from a straight dessert wine to a feather in the caps of appetizers and entrees calling for experimental sweetness, such as oysters on the half shell and possum kabob.  Assuming, of course, the WH wine collection will become available at retail.

Okra—Okra-flavored wines have been tested for a number of months in maximum-security prisons throughout the country. This is being introduced as a lunch wine under the label OK Corral because of its suitability with beef and will be slightly more
robust than the Pitts Peach.  Because of the fur from the outside of the okra pod floating atop the wine, the OK Corral is best enjoyed sipped through a straw. It maintains a delightful fragrance and texture, similar to Spanish moss following an afternoon rainstorm in August. 

Peanu Noir—Where would Alabama’s economy be without peanuts? The folks at Waffle House take great pride in introducing this exciting new all-night dinner blush red which, when united with so many delicious WH menu selections: Ribeye and Eggs, T-Bone and Eggs, and Papa Joe’s Pork Chop and Eggs, furnishes a semi-intense, yet not overpowering medley of snappy-textured flavors akin to roasted and boiled peanuts (skins in) supported by an earthy hint of red clay and kudzu greens that complement beef and pork as well as scattered, smothered, and covered hash browns. The WH Peanu Noir is sure to please late-night diners who have been searching for a liquid accompaniment that gracefully avoids overpowering the cuisine. The PN is an excellent alternative to Coca-Cola, Pepsi, RC, Thunderbird, Mad Dog 20/20, and Night Train… not that there’s anything wrong with any of these.

If the introduction of these fine new products is successful, and I see no reason it won’t be, Alabama farmers will see the fruits
of their labors increase significantly and can look forward to vastly increased revenues should Waffle House expand into foreign countries such as China and California. 

**Writer’s note:  I hope you’ve found this story informative even though it contains not a word of truth. What is true is I count the Waffle House as one of my favorite restaurants and, whether you admit it or not, so do you.